Listen To Me!

Photo: Journeyscoffee

I really enjoy when I am sharing my thoughts and ideas. Many people enjoy sharing their emotional experiences. However, only some of the best are great at listening. Sure we listen to each other, but do we really hear?

How We Hear

When most of us hear someone speaking, we usually do a few common things. First, we might disregard what the other person is saying outright. Maybe we don't respect them as a source of useful or interesting information or don't generally agree with their perspective. Commonly in longer-term relationships like marriage, we're sure we've "heard it all before." We tend not to let people grow or even be a little different in our presence. No matter what they say, we hear the "old them" speaking, disregard their message, or interpret them in the old way. To really hear, I need to allow the other person to say something new by my being willing to listen as though I've never met them before. I try to forget everything I know about someone when I'm listening.

Agreement Meter

Do you do this? I still do. I fall into a mode of becoming an "agreement meter" when listening. Even before they finish a thought, I've decided that I either agree or disagree. If I disagree, I can disregard the information. Why do I do this? Because it's just plain easier to compare everything I hear to what I already know. It's tiresome to learn anything new! This approach limits me to what I've already learned or decided so far. Some people call that character. I call it "done" as in done living. Being an "agreement meter" also doesn't let me really hear to what is being said. So to really hear, I also have to turn off my "agreement meter" so I can hear something new, without judgement.

Emotional Listening

Even without all of those pre-conceptions in my head about the person to whom I'm listening, and judgements about everything they say, there is a lot more to hearing someone. Here's the interesting bit. Professional researchers in the field of human communication have actually studied stuff like this. They've determined that by far, most (something like 90% ... but don't quote me) of our communication is non-verbal! Wow! That means that the words people say are only a slim minority of what they are communicating to me! They are communicating so much more through tone and body language, including facial expression. In fact, listening for emotional content--how they feel--can be really empowering. I used to think that everyone communicates logic most of the time. I've learned that it's just the opposite. Even when people are debating politics or mathematics even, they are communicating emotions such as: "I care about poor people, so I'll argue for their rights politically" or "I like being validated by your hearing", etc. And even those emotional messages usually mean something more personal that I wouldn't have time to go into here. With that said, listening to how people feel can get me a really long way to hearing them.

Empathy versus Sympathy

I wouldn't be responsible if I didn't mention empathy versus sympathy. Empathy is when you are able to put yourself in the other person's "world", so to speak, and relate or understand their experience to some degree. This is an empathic experience. People incapable of empathy are unable to relate to other people's experiences. Sympathy on the other hand is when we feel as though it is "us" that are going through the experience. In response, we feel hurt, angry, frightented or happy. However, our emotions might not be different from the speaker's emotions. Any experience causes different emotional reactions in different people. Have you ever told a someone something that evoked a much bigger reaction in them than it did in you? For example, I had a bicycle accident that Ifelt a little scared about. I told a friend such, and that I was okay. She tends to worry about such things and responded: "OH MY GOD! THAT'S TERRIBLE! etc. She was far more alarmed than I was about it, even knowing I was okay. This is a case where she was listening to me with sympathy versus empathy. She wasn't responding to my communication as much as making it all about her. I'm sure she meant well, but come on, we all know when people make our communication about them. It feels, well ... like we lost something, doesn't it? We lose the energy we had for sharing our story.

I Really Hear You

To really listen, I have to let go of the past and truly be present. I turn off my "agreement meter". I listen in a larger contenxt to the emotional communication, body language, and spoken words. I even take the speaker's context into consideration. A school teacher speaking about the school system could mean something different than a single professional doing the same. I think a lot of people do this naturally. Think about how you listen and determine if you are really hearing others, especially those for whom you care? If so, you're probably experiencing the magic that happens when any two people really connect. If you don't relate, just see how you feel when I really mean it and say: "I really really hear you..."

If you want to learn more about empathic listening, check out SFHelp.org for a nice tutorial on listening from your heart.

Stand By Me

Photo: J.Elliot

We guys, and some parents, are always trying to "fix everything". The truth is, we either are uncomfortable when our partner or child expresses strong emotion or (let's get honest) we get a little emotionally enmeshed with them. So when they suffer, we feel like it's us suffering. I myself am no exception. When people that I'm really close to like my family, best friends, and girlfriend are going through a very difficult time, I get stressed out too. However, whether I'm being a parent, boyfriend, brother, or friend, really what is needed from me is to stand by the person I care about and not try to solve their problem, fix it, or offer brilliant tips. Okay, for children, this is particularly challenging because parents have to provide guidance and protection that is age appropriate. But any more than that, a parent is taking away an opportunity just like I take an opportunity away from my friend when I try to solve his problems.

Only Solve Your Own Problems

When I try to solve other people's problems, I'm either distracting them or taking away their chance to learn to take care of themselves. And, even if I could make their issue go away, I'd be living their life for them. Sure there are extreme exceptions. And helping as asked or needed is certainly great. But there is a very fine line between helping appropriately and getting too involved. I think it takes life experience and wisdom to determine which is which, and for me, I'm still learning.

I have learned something new lately. Standing by close ones as they go through their troubles can be more powerful than any particular action I could take anyway. It's emotionally knowing that I'm there and am not going away that is so important. Standing by my friend's side as they go through things that can even be exhausting for me, gives them the space to work it out. I think I've gotten closer to my girlfriend by learning how to stand by her better, rather than trying to fix things. This can be particularly challenging for some guys. The more I'm there when she is just emotional or going through something difficult, the greater things seem to get.

Just Be There

Next time you get the opportunity to stand by anyone, try doing just that. Instead of offering brilliant perspective, reassurance such as: "It will be alright," or trying to solve the situation, just be there. In fact, don't only be there, but be closer. Walk with them more, spend more time with them wherever is convenient for them. Just be by their side. Give it a try, without expectations.

Pesistence

There is always fine print, so here is mine (especially since I am being bold enough to offer a suggestion). If I try to stand by someone with whom I have a history of trying to solve their problems or shutting them down with reassurances, etc., then standing by them in this caring way might take some persistence. The first time I try, they'll be expecting my usually behavior. They might even get angry that I'm not doing enough to help them! Or they might just be waiting for me to correct their perspective or shut down their emotional expression. I won't let that deter me. And if I keep on keeping on... at some time, great things happen. I am able to be caring and present and they are able to better express and take care of their own situation. Better than that, they might even take advantage of this opportunity and grow.

You Piss Me Off!

Photo: Ed Yourdon

Why does s/he piss me off so much? Did you ever wonder why certain people and things can really trigger you? I don't know about you, but I usually feel like it's their fault! More, they should change their behavior in the future! Everyone else knows they are irritating in this or that way, so I'm in the right and they are wrong!

True or Not?

Hmmm.... Let me think through this a bit more. I'll start with an example. Whenever my girlfriend calls, she almost always starts with "Where are you?" That really pisses me off! So it must be her fault, right? Every civilized human being should know that when you greet someone, the first thing is to show interest in how they are doing because you care about them. Then why does my location even matter? She must not care about me!

Okay, I'll put on my only-mildly-biased objective "hat" now. First thing I notice is that she does this with everyone, not just me. Moreover, it is a little bothersome to some of the people but really triggers me (big time!). So, while it may not be the most gracious way to greet me on the phone, I seem to have a bigger issue with this than some other people do.

Second thing... I'm was saying that asking how I am means that she cares about me. But I forgot that she could be coming from a different place. Maybe for her, knowing where I am at means she cares about me. Wow, maybe she really does care about me? Last thing... if I'm getting irritated does that mean she has to change to please me? Aren't I just trying to change her? I'm going to share something a guru told me:

"How we relate to the issue is the issue"

Photo: Pedro Simoes

The first time I heard this, it sounded confusing. It means that we tend to focus on what triggers us as the issue rather than how we respond to the issue. Maybe 10,000 drivers are commuting in any one afternoon and maybe 3 of them experience road rage. All of them face the same issue--frustrating traffic jams--but how they relate to the traffic is the real issue. So how I relate to my girlfriend's greeting is the real issue. So how do I relate? I get triggered! That's the issue...

Why do I get triggered?

Well, we all get triggered when our beliefs and values are violated (or at least we perceive they are). So I must have judged my girlfriend's action and believed she was violating my values. Secondly, why do I have such a silly, but strongly held value about phone greetings anyway? To answer that, I have to "lay on the sofa" ... think back... Hmm... okay, when I was a kid, being questioned meant that I already did something wrong and something real bad was coming my way. So when I got home, a "how was my day" question meant the world is good and fine. But, a "Where were you" question meant I was going to suffer.

So maybe I don't have to believe that every person that asks that question is intending to hurt me... And, maybe I can kind of forgive myself for believing that and forgive myself for judging my girlfriend. In fact when most people ask that question, they are probably concerned about me.

That's a long story. But the main thing here is understanding that all of my responses are really about me. When I get angry or triggered, it's giving me an opportunity to let go of something I've kept and should have left behind. So from that perspective, getting "pissed" can be an opportunity if I can just slow down and take a look at it, even after the fact. Why? Because how I relate to the issue, is the issue.

Eckhart Tolle on Romantic Relationships

Eckhart Tolle is the world renowned writer of "The Power of Now," "A New Earth," and a number of other books that offer a way of looking at our lives that allows us to be happier and at peace. So, when I came across this video on romantic relationships, I was really interested to see what Eckhart Toll said about it. YouTube post author, Hani Safari, authored the video and used Eckhart Tolle's audio. What do you think?