You Piss Me Off!

Photo: Ed Yourdon

Why does s/he piss me off so much? Did you ever wonder why certain people and things can really trigger you? I don't know about you, but I usually feel like it's their fault! More, they should change their behavior in the future! Everyone else knows they are irritating in this or that way, so I'm in the right and they are wrong!

True or Not?

Hmmm.... Let me think through this a bit more. I'll start with an example. Whenever my girlfriend calls, she almost always starts with "Where are you?" That really pisses me off! So it must be her fault, right? Every civilized human being should know that when you greet someone, the first thing is to show interest in how they are doing because you care about them. Then why does my location even matter? She must not care about me!

Okay, I'll put on my only-mildly-biased objective "hat" now. First thing I notice is that she does this with everyone, not just me. Moreover, it is a little bothersome to some of the people but really triggers me (big time!). So, while it may not be the most gracious way to greet me on the phone, I seem to have a bigger issue with this than some other people do.

Second thing... I'm was saying that asking how I am means that she cares about me. But I forgot that she could be coming from a different place. Maybe for her, knowing where I am at means she cares about me. Wow, maybe she really does care about me? Last thing... if I'm getting irritated does that mean she has to change to please me? Aren't I just trying to change her? I'm going to share something a guru told me:

"How we relate to the issue is the issue"

Photo: Pedro Simoes

The first time I heard this, it sounded confusing. It means that we tend to focus on what triggers us as the issue rather than how we respond to the issue. Maybe 10,000 drivers are commuting in any one afternoon and maybe 3 of them experience road rage. All of them face the same issue--frustrating traffic jams--but how they relate to the traffic is the real issue. So how I relate to my girlfriend's greeting is the real issue. So how do I relate? I get triggered! That's the issue...

Why do I get triggered?

Well, we all get triggered when our beliefs and values are violated (or at least we perceive they are). So I must have judged my girlfriend's action and believed she was violating my values. Secondly, why do I have such a silly, but strongly held value about phone greetings anyway? To answer that, I have to "lay on the sofa" ... think back... Hmm... okay, when I was a kid, being questioned meant that I already did something wrong and something real bad was coming my way. So when I got home, a "how was my day" question meant the world is good and fine. But, a "Where were you" question meant I was going to suffer.

So maybe I don't have to believe that every person that asks that question is intending to hurt me... And, maybe I can kind of forgive myself for believing that and forgive myself for judging my girlfriend. In fact when most people ask that question, they are probably concerned about me.

That's a long story. But the main thing here is understanding that all of my responses are really about me. When I get angry or triggered, it's giving me an opportunity to let go of something I've kept and should have left behind. So from that perspective, getting "pissed" can be an opportunity if I can just slow down and take a look at it, even after the fact. Why? Because how I relate to the issue, is the issue.