Stand By Me

Photo: J.Elliot

We guys, and some parents, are always trying to "fix everything". The truth is, we either are uncomfortable when our partner or child expresses strong emotion or (let's get honest) we get a little emotionally enmeshed with them. So when they suffer, we feel like it's us suffering. I myself am no exception. When people that I'm really close to like my family, best friends, and girlfriend are going through a very difficult time, I get stressed out too. However, whether I'm being a parent, boyfriend, brother, or friend, really what is needed from me is to stand by the person I care about and not try to solve their problem, fix it, or offer brilliant tips. Okay, for children, this is particularly challenging because parents have to provide guidance and protection that is age appropriate. But any more than that, a parent is taking away an opportunity just like I take an opportunity away from my friend when I try to solve his problems.

Only Solve Your Own Problems

When I try to solve other people's problems, I'm either distracting them or taking away their chance to learn to take care of themselves. And, even if I could make their issue go away, I'd be living their life for them. Sure there are extreme exceptions. And helping as asked or needed is certainly great. But there is a very fine line between helping appropriately and getting too involved. I think it takes life experience and wisdom to determine which is which, and for me, I'm still learning.

I have learned something new lately. Standing by close ones as they go through their troubles can be more powerful than any particular action I could take anyway. It's emotionally knowing that I'm there and am not going away that is so important. Standing by my friend's side as they go through things that can even be exhausting for me, gives them the space to work it out. I think I've gotten closer to my girlfriend by learning how to stand by her better, rather than trying to fix things. This can be particularly challenging for some guys. The more I'm there when she is just emotional or going through something difficult, the greater things seem to get.

Just Be There

Next time you get the opportunity to stand by anyone, try doing just that. Instead of offering brilliant perspective, reassurance such as: "It will be alright," or trying to solve the situation, just be there. In fact, don't only be there, but be closer. Walk with them more, spend more time with them wherever is convenient for them. Just be by their side. Give it a try, without expectations.

Pesistence

There is always fine print, so here is mine (especially since I am being bold enough to offer a suggestion). If I try to stand by someone with whom I have a history of trying to solve their problems or shutting them down with reassurances, etc., then standing by them in this caring way might take some persistence. The first time I try, they'll be expecting my usually behavior. They might even get angry that I'm not doing enough to help them! Or they might just be waiting for me to correct their perspective or shut down their emotional expression. I won't let that deter me. And if I keep on keeping on... at some time, great things happen. I am able to be caring and present and they are able to better express and take care of their own situation. Better than that, they might even take advantage of this opportunity and grow.